some photos from childhood

have not got to many photos from childhood,though in some ways thats a good thing.

almost all the family photo albums are of sister growing up to not surprisingly.

 here are some that have scanned on,and cropped in GIMP to cut other people out or keep res down.

as a baby,though that shoud be obvious to anyone whom has sight.
have actualy got one memory of being a baby,and that was being in one of those baby bouncer chairs, woud constantly rock that thing,cant be certain for definite it has come from self and not the photos of self in the bouncer though but can actualy remember the feeling of it to,and being in another bouncer which was like dungarees attached to the door frame and was red,dont have any photos of that and mum has said we did have one,she doesnt believe can remember from being a baby but have not exactly got a normal memory [savant long term memory and non existant short term memory which is probably the payoff].

 this was mentioned in the first post on this blog,for some reason have always slept with foot sticking outside the bed like that and still do so,obviouslt its a routine but dont know what made it felt right in the first place.

was never one for posing and still not now-will never understand the whole thing of acting like are doing something when are not actualy doing it,however-sister was stood doing exactly that in a nurses costume next to self,not going to post her photos here-not her dodgy ones that she whinges about every time the inlaws want to see them when they visit anyway.

people usualy got attention to look in camera direction by waving their hands in front of the camera,then blinding with the bloody flash.

in this photo the area am in is the hall.

this was one of sisters play areas where she had a lot of toys spread everywhere as well as herself.

 a routine of mine was lining things up and every day was a fight between us-lining her stuff up, her messing it up [though that was how she liked it but did not have the understanding then to know that],meltdowning and attacking each other and trashing her stuff,being hit by dad,lining her stuff up,

repeat.

the dummy [will see one in hand] is something that lasted from birth till high school,day and night-it only stopped due to teachers/mum and dad.

have guessed it was both a routine and sensory thing.

as an adult,was told by the dentist that had only a slight overbite.

lots of people warn against letting children use dummies at all because of damage to teeth,but had used mine all the time and only got a slight overbite out of it which did not need any treatment and they have always been easily damaged due to the fluorosis [the medical term for teeth fucked in childhood up by fluoride] so if they were going to get fucked up they woud have done-so am not a great believer in that one unless its just different for everyone.

 this was a favourite spot to sit in the house or under the table which is behind these chairs.

woud put legs inside nightdress,soles of feet touching each other and rock-often woud be banging head off the back of the chair.

 am practicing something else in this photo to-pica,it was very severe back then and nothing was off limits,in the photo am in the middle of swallowing coins off the floor.

still have pica now though its gone right down ever since coming into the autism organisation am with now.

 like the dummy these are other comfort and sensory things that had used around everywhere.

the pink blanket was because of its scent and feel on hands and face,the teddy had at one point had lots of suction cups on the paw bits but had bitten those off,had loved the feel of it and loved carrying it close to face.

this was the first ever cat had ever had [read the first post for more information], twinkle.

still totaly miss her even though did not understand her in the same way that understand cats now.

friendships with cats and horses

the earliest memory have got is as a toddler,one of the routines had had then was to lie with foot sticking over the edge of the mattress,and out of the cot.
it is a routine that still exists to this day,it simply has to be over the edge.

humans back then were pretty much non existant to self,they had no meaning,walking past them had been like walking past a door or chair,they were just a blur of shapes,lines and colours-was not able to process them in the same way am able to process humans [whom are in routine] now.
however,can recall the first time a cat had come into the house,or rather was brought into the house.
apparently,as the story goes-this cat was pregnant and abandoned,and had lived in the warehouse at an old job of dads,all the men took pity on her [as they shoud do!] and used to feed her.
dad had rescued her because of the fact she was due to have them soon and needed to settle her in.

a box was placed on the floor,the sides of the top were lifted and all of a sudden something fell out of it.
was tranced by this flow of movement,coudnt look away.
soon enough,twinkle-as she was called,had gave birth to lots of kittens.
it was very strange hearing lots of kitten mewing and seeing twinkle change the kittens location every now and then by holding the scruff of their neck in her mouth.

eventualy they werent there any more-mum and dad had given them all away.

unfortunately,back then,was very rough with animals,did not have an understanding of hurt so although was very attached to twinkle did not understand when was being rough.

can remember a stray cat that had come along and moved in,soon after having got very attached to her she was moved out by mum and dad to another owner because was very rough.


then one morning,had looked out of bedroom window,which was routine every morning.
it took a while of looking to realise twinkle was lying down outside.
mum came over to see what was looking at and screamed,had no idea why she was reacting like this,afterall twinkle was just lying down like she normaly does.
mum went out with dad,and for some reason he brought a big shovel,had followed them out,saw twinkle lying there on the side of the road,her mouth and fur all red-had not understood the difference at the time,had thought she was just sleeping like she usualy does.
kept trying to stroke her and was being shouted at then forced away when that didnt work,she very felt stiff.
dad picked twinkle up using the shovel,had not understood any of what was going on so had ended up flipping out and getting beaten by dad.

every day since twinkle going,have missed her,she had had a huge effect on life and still does now.
same goes for every cat.

cats have an autistic like personality and am guessing this is why have always found them natural to be around and built deep connections with.


am exactly the same with horses and have been since first coming into regular contact with them back in junior school.
the very first pony had built up a routine and bond with was a small but tubby sandy coloured shetland called sandy.
we had a friendship that no one else coud understand,have always felt mentaly connected to horses, in the same way twins are supposed to be with each other.
it feels like we are joined together when connected like this.

at riding schools,was often put on the ponies and horses which only the expert riders got put on, a very memorable horse of this kind was a thoroughbred called heather.
she bucked and bolted; galloping randomly even with experts on her back and no one ever wanted to ride her,but we had built up a friendship after visiting her stable often.
when was sat on her back,it was like we were merged together,thinking together,like with sandy and every other pony and horse.

she was always calm,she moved so smoothly,people often say thoroughbreds are uncomfortable to ride but have never had that experience.
riding instructors coud not believe how good she was,whenever was with her.
unfortunately though,the owner sold her because they said she had behavioral issues and wasnt suited as a riding school horse,woud have loved to have bought her.
have ridden many so called 'problem' horses including a number of thoroughbreds and arabs, and never had issues with them,its all in the person and how they connect.

woud love just to have a unbroken shetland pony as a special friend,the majority of horse riders only ever think about having a horse for riding and dont want the horse if they are unriderable,have known many who get them put to sleep when they are unrideable but otherwise healthy,putting money/worth above the lifelong friendship a horse gives.


woud always recommend to anyone with autism,or parents of someone with autism,especialy when they seemingly do not seem connected with people and the world,to involve them in the world of horses-or get a cat,animals can reach far beyond the depths of autism,and if the persons experience is anything like mine they will slowly be encouraged to take in what is around them,if they want to accept it that is.